Nouman Ali KhanScholar English

Halal Way Of Approaching A Girl You Love

This is what you should do if you fall in love with a girl
Question what’s the halal way of approaching a girl you like?
I wanted to bring this up to you because for them you would think that you know if the sahabi saw a woman from a mile away. He went the other way and made istighfar the whole night. No it wasn’t like that, they interacted with each other. They talked to each other. They worked with each other. They were in business partnerships all kinds of interactions happen between men and women.

But with principles, it was respectful it was dignified.
When a companion when somebody liked somebody else. You know what they did here’s the astagfirullah part. Here’s what they did. Hey i like you.

Want to get married? And she’d say maybe talk to my dad. He said okay and then you go to the dad and say hey i like your daughter and she’s i mean i
Talked to her she’s not entirely opposed to the idea is it cool and he says, let me talk to my daughter.

How this happens today in london. As you go to a girl respectfully. Hey we worked together for three years.
Would you consider marrying me?
And she’s like and maybe she says, please don’t talk to my dad, he’ll kill me.
Because if you talk to my dad, he’ll say this is where you go to work?
This is why we sent you to uni?

Like, you fathers, i have four daughters. I have four daughters. Listen those of you that are fathers. That have daughters you sent, your daughters to university. You brought your daughters to this country. You made them live here. You brought you took them outside in society. You made that decision. And when somebody like a muslim likes them. That’s a good thing.

How are they going to get married sitting at home?
Who’s going to like them?
So when somebody approaches them in a respectful way, you should not say oh my god. The day has come astaghfirullah,
You know what a humiliation. Now we have to go take you back into bangladesh and hide you in a village somewhere because some guy likes you astaghfirullah you know and there’s the, you know some ruqyah on her and calm down.
It’s okay.

Somebody likes your daughter. That’s a good thing. Now you go and investigate, find out. It’s completely fine. The only rishta mentioned in the quran. The only approach mentioned in the quran is that of musa (as) in midian. He was by himself, musa was by himself and these girls were by themselves working outside, and he went up to them and helped them out and the girl said. He’s kind of nice and she went back to her dad and said hire him.

Which means, come on dad, you know. And that happened and the girl said i like the guy.
That’s actually what happened in the story of musa(as). Musa(as) didn’t propose the girl proposed.
And the father can’t propose unless he has the approval of his daughter.
So it’s okay for your girls to say dad there’s this guy this brother, he’s a thursday halaka.

That’s really good you should come your daughter’s telling you something
It’s okay go attend halaka,
Okay find out.

Don’t complicate this. There’s nothing in dignified about that. Don’t go date a girl now. Ustadh nouman, oh no give a lecture, i’ll take you out to dinner.
No no no not that either. But, can you have respectful interaction with someone you’re interested in for marriage?
Absolutely. Absolutely. Nothing wrong with that. Can you take your time to understand each other’s likes and dislikes?
Yes.

It’s fine. Respectful courtship is okay. With parental guidance, in dignified fashion there’s nothing wrong with it. So what happens is we have two extremes. We have people that are more conservative than the sahaba.
And then we have people that are more liberal than liberals.

Okay, and the islam is right in between. It’s a natural way, it’s a completely natural way, okay?

And so this is something that i thought it’s important to mention for families and for yourself. Talk to your daughters. Ask if they like someone. Don’t create a between fathers and daughters there should be open communication. They should not be terrified to tell you that they’re interested in somebody. Don’t force them to marry someone they don’t want to. Don’t force your daughters and tell them if you don’t marry this one who’s going to come and marry you. And you have to, we already said yes to them. Don’t humiliate the family and say no now. Those kinds of nikkah are haram.

I will say it, they’re haram. You cannot emotionally and psychologically force a girl to get married under family pressure that is batil that happened at the time of the prophet (saw) and the prophet (saw) says considered those nikkahs batil. They're invalid nikkahs, until the girl genuinely likes a guy and says yes, i want to marry him on her own, from no pressure from her father.

No pressure from her mother. No pressure from anybody else. She likes him. And even if the day of the nikkah she says, mom, i don’t want to do this.
The mother doesn’t say, too late girl, too late, we’ve got the hall. They’re all what are people gonna know, if the girl says i don’t want to do this, then no
Stop!

Allah gave her that right, you cannot take it away. You’re burying them alive. This is the new way of burying women alive by the way, back then they used to take the baby girl and bury her right then. Now we bury them at the day of the nikah. This is what we do. This needs to stop. Let them marry who they want if they’re a dignified muslim.

And because now you’re living in a different society, you won’t find someone from the same village. It’s okay.
It’s okay. Bangladeshi can marry a syrian.
It’s fine, i know. It’s okay for syrians too yeah. You syria, turkish, somali. Astaghfirullah somali. It’s fine you know. You know musa(as) is an arab. Musa is an arab or actually not and he’s from israelite. And he married an arab. He went and buried in midian. Didn’t he?

So many arabs um, we only marry arab, really?
Musa (as) was actually from israel. What’s up with that. You know it’s all good. So it’s a time now, it’s a strange time that we live in.

And actually the only thing that can save us is the basic principles of our deen, and getting facility making the path to marriage easy.
Is actually one of the greatest battles against shaytan, when we make the path to marriage difficult.
When you have 28, 30, i’m not going to do other questions. Forget it. Let’s just talk about this.
What am i going to do we’re going to have 35 year old boys not married. What do you think they were doing tahajjud for 35 years?
What planet do you live on?

They didn’t do anything haram, nobody evil thoughts went in their head?
They didn’t go to university? They didn’t go to work?
28, 29 year olds not being married. This is ridiculous. It’s absolutely absurd. It’s unacceptable. It’s unacceptable.
And we create standards that don’t exist in our religion, and don’t make any sense.

You have three daughters or four daughters, somebody proposed for the younger daughter and no proposal came for the older daughter.
No no no no we go in order. Who said you go in order?

Which sharia?
If there’s a good blessing that came to your home for whichever age, why would you deny it. What will people say?
What will allah say when you explain yourself to him and say i deprive my daughter of a good nikah. Because it wasn’t in order.
What will you say to allah?
You tell me that,
What are you going to do?
Ridiculous. This nonsense needs to stop. Marriage needs to be made easy and the guy`s side. Because hindu tradition says, the guy is the gift.

So the girl’s side has to give him gifts. Islam came and said, the man has to give what?
Mahr. The man has to give a gift. The woman is a gift to the family. And now we do in pakistan, india, bangladesh, southeast asia. No, no, we don’t want jahaiz, we don’t want gifts from the girls side. But there should be something at least a fridge. You know,

That that is the opposite of what allah commanded. That is the opposite of what allah commanded. You’re not only disobeying allah, you’re reversing what allah said, asking to pay, to be gifted. Because you’re the guy’s side.

That’s like way beyond haram. I don’t even know what the category that belongs. Shaitaan is giving you like five stars for that one. Do not fall into that category. Don’t give your daughter-in-laws and your wives gifts and then ask for them back.

Now this is happening, they’ll give them jewelry at the wedding. No that was just for the photos. Really allah azza wajjal will describe this, you know
Don’t take a single thing from the spouse that you’ve given to them.
Are you taking a huge accusation against your own self and taking clear sin on yourself, when you agree to a mahar. Nowadays the fashion is they don’t discuss the mahar until the day of the nikah or the minute of the nikah. Before then when the mahar comes up they say oh it’s family, it’s
Okay, we’ll work it out. It’s okay.

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